Bangalore been awhile

It’s been awhile since I wrote something self-exploratory. It’s been awhile since I sat down in front of the mirror and took a long, hard look at the reflection. It’s been awhile since I gave a shit about what I’m doing, who I am and what direction my life is going in. It’s been really long since I actually spoke to someone, anyone, about what I truly feel. Familiarity breeds contempt they say and I’ve had enough of it for one lifetime.

There are things that I would like to change about myself, no matter how much I claim otherwise. There are things I’d rather never think about, for fear of regretting the course they’ve taken. There are times when I feel like there’s nothing I can do right, no one I can stay true to. There are times when the madness seems so baseless and insignificant that I almost feel normal. There are times when I think someone can actually make peace with the madness.

But in reality, no one wants any part of it and I’m better off keeping everyone at a comfortable distance, lest they discover how turned off they are by the “sad” me.

The last two years have been different. I did things I never thought I could, I felt things I never thought I was capable of or even wanted to. I fell in love and desperately tried to fall out of it. I fell in love again without even realizing it or feeling the need for reciprocation. Last year left me tired and without any inclination to fall apart again and at such incredible speed.

Everything in my life progresses at the speed of light. Everything from friendships to relationship to brain waves is neurotic. Nothing is stable, nothing is constant. The monotony, characteristic of the middle-age, sets in even before the conception of an idea. The love that should take it’s time to surface, given the recurring heartbreak it’s been subject to, comes to fore too quick. And the heartbreak follows, much exaggerated.

“Crash boom Bangalore”

Right?

If there’s one resolution I made this year, it was that I’ll not let myself fall into the same traps of emotionalism that I’ve been accustomed to for the longest time. To rid my life of the reckless psychopathic that haunts it. Guess failure’s one thing I don’t want knocking at my door again. But its hard sticking to the resolutions when reality, stark naked is staring right at you…

Bangalore, now known as Bengaluru, is the capital city of Karnataka in south India. Bangalore was known as Pensioners' Paradise, prior to the IT revolution. Now, the city is a wonderful blend of past and present. The Indian Institute of Management Bangalore (IIMB) IIM Bangalore is one of India's premier management institutes which shows the prior to the IT revolution of Bangalore.

For me it’s the same vicious circle again and again. Sometimes I am forced to believe that it’s due to my poor judgment and sometimes just sometimes I realize that I’m just a victim on the road when the great wheel of time passes by me.

This might not be the most structured or well-crafted post, but it is important. Sometimes when there’s no one else to talk to, it helps to talk to the notebook. Sometimes when there’s no one else who needs you to listen, it helps to listen to yourself.

This is also hopelessly personal, and I’m very uncomfortable with the thought of certain people reading it. Or so I like to believe.